Brotherhood
by Ssjshadic
Summary: The TMNT have always lived as a tightly bonded family. But when tragedy strikes and shakes those bonds down to the very core, all four brothers find coping virtually impossible. To make matters worse, Leo seems to be taking all blame unto himself, and he seems dead set against letting himself rely on his family. Rated T for violence and language.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1-Dead Inside

New York City. The sky is so brightly lit with the city lights. The lights outshine the stars overhead. I used to welcome those lights, they used to represent home for me. Now... they're just empty light. No longer my beacon. There is no light home for me anymore. The subways, the sewers, all the sounds of the city, all empty for me. I take in the view of the city that once held everything, the city that now holds nothing. Then, I prepare myself for it. I unsheathe the katana I hold on my shell, I grip them in my hands, stare at them as though they somehow weren't mine. They aren't. My katana gave me a feeling of strength, responsibility, motivation. When I held my katana in my hands, I became a ninja. The katana I hold now, they are alien to me, they don't make me a ninja, they don't give me strength. I'm returning them to their rightful owner now, as I place them within the stone of my platform. I unstrap the belt holding the sheathes to my shell, securing the belt around the alien katana. I look to the sky, I am almost ready to see my father again. I have only one thing left to return to the man with the alien katana. I untie the knot in the mask that conceals my eyes, I leave it for the man I stole it from. My mask used to give me my dearest possession, my name, my identity. But Leonardo Hamato is not here, he is somewhere far away, helpless without his katana, his sheathes, his mask. I move closer to the edge of my platform, I gaze up into the sky once more, whispering to my father.

"Sensei... I'll embrace you soon now..."

Somewhere, in the far off distance, I hear a faint sound of a glider slicing through the air, but the sound does not mean anything for me. It means nothing, so why do I hesitate? I turn, I look back at the possessions of Leonardo Hamato, the possessions that I stole from him. Leonardo is not here. He is home, home with his brothers. His brothers... I think I had brothers, but I can't picture them. I can only remember Leonardo's brothers. I remember Michelangelo Hamato, the youngest brother. He is laughing, smiling, even when his life is in danger, he just smiles, twirling his nunchuks. Never sad, never in tears, just always smiling, laughing, eternally. I remember Donatello Hamato, the second oldest brother. He is reading, typing, inventing, quietly introverted, his bo staff ready to keep Michelangelo distanced from his space. Always working on a new brilliant invention, delicately, meticulously. I remember Raphael Hamato, the second youngest brother. He is training, always training, filled with misplaced anger toward the world that shuns him and his family. His sais are at his side, always, their pointed blades a perfect match for his aggressive personality. But anger is not all that he is, he is filled with love for his brothers. He always puts them before himself, always protects them with unrivaled fury. I try to remember Leonardo, but nothing comes to me. I see a strange figure when I try to give the name a face, but it's too blurry of an image, I can't make out any details. I can only remember that his brothers rely on him, and he will need the weapons and mask I took from him to carry that responsibility. I have lost focus on what I set out to do, and I return my gaze to the empty city lights.

"Forgive me, Sensei. I do not mean to keep you waiting..."

I let go of all emotions, release my mind of all thoughts, save that of being alongside my master again. I am ready. I hear the glider, it's closer, somehow, but still far away. I let my mind distance itself from all the sounds of this empty city, of this empty world. I let my soul free from my body, leaping forward, off the edge of my platform. I hear nothing as I fall towards the freedom of my soul, anxiously awaiting the embrace of my father again...


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2-Disbelief

This can't possibly be happening. Raph was telling the truth! I check my infra-red binoculars again, just to make sure I'm not hallucinating. Even then, I still can't believe it. Leo, on the Statue of Liberty, getting ready to, from the best I can tell, commit SUICIDE?! Is this a dream? How can this be? Our oldest brother, our brother who's always looking out for all of us, never wavering in confidence or skill under any circumstances. LEO, trying to KILL HIMSELF?! It takes the seventh ring on my shell cell for it to register in my mind. I put it on speaker, leaping off the skyscraper I'm standing on, flying towards Leo as fast as my glider will allow.

"Donnie, you SEEIN' this?"

I don't hear him, I'm still in a state of shock. This is too surreal, too unbelievable to be true.

"DONNIE!"

Raph's voice finally reaches me, and I try to shake the shock from my mind. Whether this is real or not, I have to stop Leo. I can't let him do this. He can't leave us like this after he just got back!

"Yeah, I see him. Call Mikey and have him grab one of the shell sleds from the lair. I'll get Leo."

I switch off my shell cell before Raph can say anything else. His voice just grounds the situation into reality. I don't WANT this to be real. But it is. It's terrifyingly real. I look through my binoculars again, I see Leo stab his katana into the statue's bronze head, tie his belt around them. I scream at him with my thoughts, I beg him, I demand him to stop, but my mental pleas don't do anything. He's taking off his mask now, his favorite gift from Sensei. Why, Leo?! I'm still too far away, I angle sharply downward, riding the updraft as I angle back towards the sky, trying desperately to pick up any semblance of speed I possibly can. I scream at him again with my mind, begging him to reconsider what he's doing. I almost feel like crying when I look again. He's at the edge, but he's turned back! He's lost in thought, and for the slightest instant, I wonder what he could be thinking about. I'm almost there, Leo, just, please, don't do it! How could Leo even think of something like this? If it were me, or Mikey, or Raph, Leo wouldn't stand for it. He's always setting an example for us, showing us how to be better ninja, better students, better turtles. He always does the honorable thing, he always walks the honorable path. Where's the honor in this, Leo?! I'm so close, but then.. NO! He's jumping!

"LEO!"

I have to break his fall, I have to stop him from doing this! I dive down towards him, he's in free fall. I let go of the glider steering handle, attached only by my harness. I reach for him. I have to make it, I have to make it! I GOT HIM! It's a loose grip, but his added weight throws the glider off course. We're plummeting straight down again! I can't let go of him, but I can't steer the glider if I don't! This can't be real! I can't let this be real! I can't have made it in time to save Leo, just to die with him! I close my eyes, praying for a miracle. Then, in the form of an angry bro, it comes to us...


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3-Darkness

I'm sprinting. I'm moving so fast I don't even know if I'm timing my movements right. I don't care. I'm too preoccupied with running to care. I feel like I should be angry. I always get angry when something goes wrong like this. Hell, I get angry at the flip of a dime! But the anger is overshadowed by something else I can't really recognize.

"Mikey, get one o' the shell sleds and punch it for Liberty Island!"

There's silence on his end, and I feel myself grow more overwhelmed by this unfamiliar feeling, this darkness that's slowly eating away at me.

"Mikey! Listen! I know you're in a funk right now, but Leo needs us! He's standing on ol' Lady Liberty, and I think he's gonna jump!"

I keep running, and I don't bother waiting for him to answer. Somehow, I just know he heard me. I leap over the noisy streets below to another rooftop, I feel the darkness catching up to me. It's whispering, tempting me to slow down, to just fall over and rest. I run faster, I'm almost there. I'm getting close to the water, the sea that sits there, mocking me, telling me that I'm too weak to cross it in time. The darkness reaches for me, it takes hold of my arms. Its trying to drag me down, its not trying to tempt me anymore, its attacking me. My body starts aching, starting with my arms. The darkness starts creeping down my body, filling my body with thousands of little stings of pain, aches, cramps. I feel myself slow down, involuntarily, my body won't listen to me.

_'Don't quit on me now!'_

I feel the familiar flames of anger rise up within me, they free me from the chains of darkness, their heat drives the pain away. I'm sprinting again, I'm outrunning the aches, I am fire. I'm burning, leaving the smoke of my flames in my wake. I leap off the edge of the last building between me and the water, I swing from the street lights, instinctively keeping out of the lights to avoid being seen, despite being too enraged to care. I crash through the trees of Battery Park, ignoring the branches that are lashing out at me, trying to keep me from getting to Leo. My flames are too hot, my rage too powerful to be stopped, and I keep running, despite the cuts, the blood leaking from my face and limbs. I crash through the last of the trees, my feet pounding across the ground, beating it. I leap out over the water, over the tunnel leading to our home in the sewers, just as Mikey appears out from it on the shell sled. I land on the back behind him, he yelps. He says something, but I don't hear him, I just shout at him to go faster. I see Leo at the edge of Lady Liberty, having removed his mask and belt. I see Donnie closing in out of the corner of my eye, but it just barely registers. We're almost there, halfway there, and then it happens. HE JUMPS!

"DAMMIT!"

I see Donnie manage to catch him, but then they both start plummeting downward! So close, so damned close... I jump over Mikey, onto the front of the shell sled. He shouts, asking me what I'm doing, but I don't really hear him. He's far away from me now.

"MIKEY, HIT THE BRAKES, RIGHT NOW!"

There's half a second of hesitation, then he does it, and the sled comes to a screeching halt. I don't. I'm flying through the air, flying towards my falling brothers. I take out both my sais, I hurl them with all my strength at Lady Liberty. They hit their mark, and they manage to hook onto Donnie's glider. The shock of the sudden stop is too much to keep it held in place, but they're close enough to the ground. The danger is gone. Suddenly, I'm sprinting again, and anger is still my fire. I reach them, I throw Donnie and his glider aside, I flip Leo onto his shell, I pull him up into a sitting position.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YA THINKIN'?!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4-Despair

I'm trying to find it. I've lost it, and no matter how much I search, I can't find it. It's hiding from me, taunting me. I look for it in the leftover pizza we always keep lying around. But its not there. I look for it in the video games that I always play in between training sessions. It isn't there either. I get out my precious horror and science-fiction movies, but still, nothing. I'm getting desperate, I actually try searching for it in the training sessions I always groan over. I find something there, but not what I'm looking for. I'm pretty much ready to resign myself, but I have one place left to look. I'm almost afraid to even try it, I'm terrified that it might fail me. I search for it, thoroughly, endlessly, within my comic books. BUT EVEN MY BELOVED SUPERHEROES, WHO'VE NEVER FAILED BEFORE, FAIL ME NOW!

"UGH!"

I contemplate throwing my whole collection all around the lair in a tantrum, before just sighing and putting it back into order. Exhausted after hours of looking for it, I collapse onto the couch, staring blankly at the news on the television, too tired to reach for the remote. I hear a soft mew, and I sit up, looking over near the pantry.

"No no no no! Bad kitty! Pizza is not for you!"

I just barely manage to snatch up Klunk before he gets his first taste of our food. Sighing with relief, I put the box away on a high shelf, and carry Klunk back over to the couch with me.

"Klunk, you should know better than that! Kitties get Kibble, not pizza pie!"

The orange tabby just mews at me, and I can't help but smile. Except it's still missing. Without it, the smile is just empty. But an empty smile is better than no smile at all, and I just lay there on the couch, my little pet curled up on my stomach. I feel my eyelids get heavy, even though its nowhere near time for bed. I hear my shell cell ring, but its too far away from where I am for it to matter. I wonder to myself, maybe I'll find it if I can just close my eyes for a while. I hear a familiar voice. Raph's? It doesn't matter, what I'm looking for isn't there. Even so, my connection with my family forces me to strain myself to listen. I can't make out the first part, it doesn't reach me. I sit up, gently moving Klunk to my lap, so as not to disrupt his sleep. I might as well not have, since the next thing I hear from the shell cell makes me jump up from the couch.

"...I think he's gonna jump!"

"WHAT?!"

I rush for the nearest shell sled, leaving a slightly dazed Klunk on the couch.

"Klunk, you're in charge of holding down the fort! If I catch you in the pizza box again, you're grounded!"

I speed off out of the lair, into the dark, dank sewer tunnels that have always been my home. The only difference is, now that I've left the lair, I'm in danger. Danger of the thing that I fear finding me, taking me away from my family. I drive for a few minutes, aimlessly, turning away from where I sense the thing I fear, before I realize that I'm lost. It's only happened to me once before, getting lost, I mean. Then, I remember being lost in the same place before. I rev the engine, I speed off again. I follow the path that our Sensei showed me when I was young, after a close call with some bad humans on the surface. I remember his words when we reached the end, I power through the exit of the same tunnel.

_"Look, my son. You see the great statue on that island in the distance?"_

_"Yes, Master Splinter."_

_"Do you know what that statue represents, Michelangelo?"_

_"No, Sensei."_

_"It represents liberty, for all humans. It was a gift from another country, meant to inspire peace. Although that peace does not extend towards beings such as ourselves, we should cherish the fact that being the minority allows us to create peace more readily than the surface world."_

_"I... I don't really get it, Sensei."_

_"Don't worry, my son. You will, one day."_

My memory is broken as Raph crashes down onto the back of the sled.

"YIPE! Jeez, Raph. What train ran you over?"

"Faster, Mikey, faster!"

I know better than to argue, I kick it into high gear, crashing down the river. I look up briefly, I see Leo, my eldest brother, the responsible one, doing one of the most irresponsible things I can imagine. He's trying to commit suicide! The thing that I fear the most starts to reach for me, as I watch in horror as Leo jumps, Donnie catching him, then screaming as they both start falling. But Raph saves me, the thing is dispelled, as he jumps over me, landing on the hood of the shell sled.

"DUDE, RAPH, I CAN'T SEE!"

He isn't listening, he's too focused on the situation, on saving our family from suffering anymore.

"MIKEY, HIT THE BRAKES, RIGHT NOW!"

For a brief moment, I wonder what he's doing, then I do as he tells me. The shell sled screeches to a halt, along with me, and everything in the entire world. The only things left moving in all the world at that moment were Raph, Donnie and Leo. One was flying, two were falling. For the slightest moment, I find what I had spent the entire day searching for. When I see that we, as a family, are all working together so hard to keep our bonds from breaking, I'm able to feel it. Happiness...

Then, as Leo and Don crash to the ground safely, Raph charging off again, it's gone as soon as it arrived.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5-No Control

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YA THINKIN'?!"

I'm shouting at him, I'm getting dangerously close to losing my hold on myself and letting my anger take over. I don't care, I'm too focused on Leo. Why Leo? Why, out of all of us, did HE have to be the one to pull something like this? I'm still yelling at him, demanding that he answer me. He just keeps whispering.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I failed to restore my honor..."

HONOR?! He's claiming he tried to ABANDON us, KILL himself, for HONOR?! I tighten my grip on him, I keep shouting at him, I start shaking him.

"What're ya babbling about?! YO, I'M TALKIN' TO YA! LEO! LEO!"

He isn't listening, he's still whispering to himself about his stupid sense of honor! Unless... is that just what his response is? Is this mumbling about apologizing... is he apologizing for Sensei? The thought of it just makes me angrier.

"QUIT APOLOGIZIN' FOR CRAP THAT AIN'T YER FAULT!"

He still won't stop. His mouth isn't moving, his eyes are void and blank, but the damn apologies. It's echoing in my head, nagging at me, pulling me deeper into my own flames of growing rage. How screwed up does Leo, my older brother, have to be to give me an answer like that? Seeing him like this, so weak, so messed up, it makes me sick, SICK to my stomach! My body's shaking, shivering. My voice gets quiet, I'm whispering to him now.

"Yer really gonna talk to me about honor, after doing this?"

He's silent, his eyes glazed over, staring at me blankly. I feel myself make a fist out of my right hand, still whispering.

"Where's the honor in this, Leo?"

I jerk my right arm behind me, and my voice gets steadily louder until I'm shouting again.

"Where's the DAMNED HONOR, in THIS?!"

My fist comes down on his emotionless face, it sends him right into the pavement. I hear myself yell, moving forward to attack him. I feel something suddenly halt my assault, I see Donnie behind me, his bo staff locked across my chest. I smash my elbow into him, and I'm free again. Like always, there's the small voice of our Sensei in the back of my mind, trying to tell me not to let my rage control me. But I'm not in control of my body anymore, my fury is in control. I charge forward toward Leo again. I catch a brief glimpse of something flying toward me, then I'm on the ground, my face in pain. I look up, and I see Mikey, holding his nunchuks, standing between me and Leo. A blur of movement, Mikey's yelp, he's on the ground, holding up his hands, disarmed.

"I-I just wanted you to stop, Raph..."

Suddenly, the flames recede, and I'm in control of my body again. I don't see enemies anymore, I see my baby brother on the ground, terrified. I fall to my hands and knees, shame and guilt welling up inside me.

"I'm sorry, Mikey..."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6-Fear

I'm scared. Not the kind of scared that I joke around about, I'm really, really scared of Raph right now. He's on the ground, I'm standing between him and Leo. I've never seen Raph this angry. Not when we fought the Shredder, not when we fought Bishop, not when Leo got smacked around on the Christmas the Shredder returned. A small part of me understands his rage, but for the most part, I'm just afraid. Suddenly, he's back on his feet, and he tears my nunchuks from my hands, and he rams his head against mine, HARD. I'm on the ground, pinned under his foot. I hold up my hands, and, in the midst of the fear, I manage to speak.

"I-I just wanted you to stop, Raph..."

I risk looking up, I see something change in his eyes. The rage is gone, he falls to his hands and knees. I can hear the shame in his voice, his apology.

"I'm sorry, Mikey..."

I sit up, I don't know what to say. I look to Leo, then to Donnie, and back to Raph. The whole thing, Leo jumping, Donnie catching him, Raph saving them both, then attacking the three of us, it couldn't have taken longer than a few minutes. But I feel like that brief moment of happiness that I felt, when Raph was flying toward Leo and Don, I feel like it's been weeks since that moment. Raph gets up, he picks up my nunchuks, hands them to me. I take them silently, he looks at my head.

"Yer bleedin'..."

I feel for the spot where he hit me, I feel the warm, sticky fluid on my hand.

"I'll be fine. It doesn't hurt."

Raph just grunts and sits next to me, and we spend a long time there, just sitting. I feel like we should be trying to fix things, make it better, but neither of us have any ideas as to how. Wordlessly, Don picks himself up, looks to us, nods toward Leo, and we just nod back at him. He picks up his bo staff, folds up what's left of his glider, grabs Leo, and speeds off on the shell sled. I remember something I said about Leo once, about how shouldering all that responsibility, the responsibility of looking out for us, must be incredibly rough on him. I look at Raph, I stand up.

"We should go. Someone had to have noticed. They'll send helicopters with searchlights and have scientists ready to dissect us and everything."

I had meant it as a joke, but Raph doesn't laugh. Or smile. He doesn't react to it at all, he just gets up, grabs his sais, and starts making his way up the Statue of Liberty to get Leo's katana and mask. I follow him up. We reach the top, and the fear suddenly hits me again. I move forward to the edge, I look down. It suddenly hits me; Leo had to climb up here, see that drop, and choose, consciously CHOOSE, to jump. What would make him do something like that? What would lead him to choose to jump? I feel dizzy, I fall forward onto my hands and knees, and I vomit over the edge. I start crying, not because of the pain in my stomach from puking, not from sadness about what's happened. I'm crying because the night has left me so exhausted. I'm not even that much of a crier, and yet now, the tears just keep coming. I hear Raph speak, although it's hard to hear amidst my own sobs.

"Mutant turtle barfs from forty stories up. That's sure ta make th' front page."

In spite of my exhaustion, I laugh a little. Then I throw up again.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7-Silence

"Raph really did a number on you, Leo."

_'Not that I can entirely blame him…'_

He's not answering, he's unconscious, which isn't what's bothering me. What's bothering me is that it's too quiet. For the first time I can remember, New York City is completely, utterly silent. Every sound I make rings in my ears, my bare feet against the stone floor, my breathing as I ease Leo onto the sofa. The silence is suffocating me, I can't even think. I just feel blank, void, wishing more than anything for this resonating silence to be broken. I know that my body is moving, but there isn't any conscious thought to what I'm doing. I don't even see what I'm typing on my computer, or what I'm examining under my microscope. My mind slowly begins to piece together thoughts again, and I briefly wonder how Raph and Mikey are going to get home before feeling something cold on my hands. My eyes refocus, I look down at my hands, I see droplets of liquid dripping onto my fingers. I reach up to feel my face, and I realize I'm crying. Even my sobs are silent, they lack the shallow, sharp inhaling that normally occurs whenever I shed tears. I want to curse out the silence, but my own voice betrays me, it won't let me speak above a whisper.

"Why did you do this, Leo?"

I surprise myself with my own question, but my surprise quickly vanishes, my mind wandering aimlessly through the silence. But, suddenly, my thoughts find themselves focused on a memory, one blissfully lacking in silence. I remember back to a particular Halloween night, the one night of the year when Master Splinter would allow the four of us to roam freely on the surface. I remember the incident with the corrupt humans, I remember the fear in Sensei's eyes, I remember my heart pounding as the four of us fled back to the sewers on his order. I remember not sleeping that night, I remember Sensei's bruises when he returned.

_"Master Splinter! You're hurt!"_

_"Calm yourself, Donatello. These injuries are minor. I am very much relieved to know you are alright."_

_"What about that man? Is he okay?"_

_"… I'm afraid not, my son. That man is no longer of this world."_

_"But… he didn't do anything wrong… why?"_

_"Much excess hatred exists within the human world, my son. Tonight was an example of that hatred being exacted unjustly upon those who are innocent. It is because of this hatred that I forbid you and your brothers from roaming the surface. I'm sorry that you had to learn of that corruption in such a way tonight, and it certainly isn't how I would have chosen for you to learn of it."_

The memory fades out of focus, I realize that I've wandered to Leo's side, sitting with my legs folded behind me, the tears slowly waning. Before I can even wipe my face, a fresh flow of sobs washes over me, and I find myself whispering again, still unable to break this cursed silence.

"I always wished for there to be quiet. Quiet so that I could work on my experiments, my studies, my inventions. I always wished for Mikey to cease his gleeful outbursts, or for Raph to take a break from sparring with you. I always wanted silence, just for one day, so that I could truly keep my attention on my work. I still do wish for that."

My arms fall limp at my sides, the cold stone floor greeting my hands as I hang my head, the tears running freely down my face.

"But I didn't wish for this kind of silence, Leo. Never like this…"


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8-The Older Sister

"Leo did WHAT?"

I listen to the story again, but I don't feel like Donnie's really there. It doesn't sound like him at all, his voice is quiet, quieter than usual, and he's always been the soft-spoken one of the four of them. His tone is inconsistent, it wavers, then steadies itself, like he doesn't know if he's about to cry or not. The worst part of it is how he sounds, he's speaking like a helpless child, scared and confused and uncertain. I fight off the feeling of shock that's trying to weigh itself down on me, hanging onto Don's words to keep from losing control of my emotions. I somehow manage to listen to the whole story a second time before I speak again.

"Alright, Donnie. Just sit tight. I'll be right there."

I hang up before he can say anything else. I move without conscious thought, sitting down on my sofa, my hand grips the armrest tightly. I struggle with the emotions that are pounding away at me. I think back to when I first met them. Mikey, Raph, Donnie, Leo… I remember waking up in their lair, I remember questioning my sanity when I saw who had saved me. I remember how they helped me stop Stockman's Mousers, even though they didn't have any reason to trust me. I think about how I could have easily led them into a trap, exposed them to the world, the way they so easily trusted me. Then, I think back to something Master Splinter did when I woke up for the second time, and I realize why they placed so much faith in me.

_'He looked into my eyes… He was the one whose gut instinct was to trust me. Their faith in me was really just faith in his judgement…'_

I feel a faint smile etch itself onto my face, I think about how much kinder all of them are than most of the people I've known in my whole life. I lean my head back, closing my eyes, thinking about how they always took me in whenever I needed a place to stay, and I almost laugh when I remember that most of the time it was because one of their numerous battles had left my apartment trashed, burned or just plain destroyed. But only almost, and soon my little smile disappears, as I force myself to my feet, turning off the lights in the house before walking out the door. I don't run, I just walk, even though every other resident of New York would advise any other woman to do otherwise. The thought of being jumped even passes through my mind briefly, but I brush it away. I slow down a little as another realization comes to me, but I force myself to keep walking, even as the slightly guilt-inducing thoughts weave themselves in my mind.

_'They even gave me my confidence, along with everything else. Splinter taught me to defend myself, Leo taught me to keep a level head. I learned how to keep my emotions hidden by watching Raph, I learned how to smile, even in a dangerous situation from Mikey, and I learned not to rush into things from Don.'_

I feel bitter guilt try to overwhelm me, but I restrain it. I notice a pair of thugs glaring at me, but I ignore them, feeling almost glad that they saw me. I turn a corner, I hear their footsteps behind me as they cross the quiet street. I slow my pace, tensing my muscles, waiting for them to turn the corner, almost eager to relieve the stress that's built up from all the emotions that I'm wrestling with. Then I hear a motorcycle engine, loudly blaring down the street behind me, drowning out the footsteps of my two pursuers. Cursing under my breath, I quickly turn myself around, and I see Casey's grinning face speeding toward me. He brings his bike to a screeching halt, propping it up and turning toward me, and I hear the pair of footsteps move away in the other direction.

"Yo, April. Ya need a lift?"


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9-Trapped

"S-sorry, Raph…"

I finish tying Leo's katana onto my shell, knotting his mask around my arm.

"Don't worry 'bout it, Mikey. Jus' chill fer a bit."

I look down at my little brother, feeling misplaced anger well up inside me even as he weakly nods his head. I force the flames of my rage aside, pulling Mikey to his feet, hooking his arm around my neck, trying to carry most of his weight for him. I walk toward the edge of Liberty Island, practically dragging him alongside me. I feel the two demons within me, warring with the other to pull me within their reach. I'm walking a narrow line, a line that walks on the very edge of the two demons' domains; the rage's inferno and the darkness' abyss. I keep walking toward the water, gently nudging Mikey.

"Raph…"

"I'm here, bro. Jus' hold yer breath."

I dive down, the freezing cold water shocking the drowsiness out of my body. I'm kicking at the water, kicking at it furiously, pounding away at it to vent out the anger that's desperate to engulf me. I feel the inferno's heat lashing out at me, trying to force me into its embrace. The abyss is whispering to me, tempting me with its deceitfully enticing warmth. The water is infuriated, trying to force me back away from my home, the narrow line between my two inner demons slowly getting thinner. The river is roaring, trying to break me, force me to surrender to the flow of its body. The inferno is cackling, trying to lure me into its flaming jaws, pulling at my limbs. The abyss is silently teasing me, its arms outstretched, tempting me to fall into its dark void. I'm trapped, I'm desperately clawing up, trying to get above everything. I break the waters surface, gasping for air, gulping it into my lungs. I pull Mikey's head above the surface, hovering in the river as he coughs up water.

"You okay, bro?"

He nods, gradually catching his breath. I look up, I find myself surprised by how much closer we are to the shore of the city. I gently nudge my little brother's head.

"Hey. We're goin' under again. We're almost there."

I wait for him to take another gulp of air before ducking beneath the surface of the water again, kicking with less intensity than before. The rivers roar slowly diminishes to a growl before finally fading to a faint hum just as I reach the harbor. I move swiftly to keep out of sight as I pull myself up into a sewage tunnel, hoisting Mikey up after me. The extent of the physical exertion of the night suddenly hits me, and I fall against the walls of the tunnel, struggling to keep my legs under me. I let Mikey slump down beside me, steadying myself with my hands pressed against the wall. I listen to my little brothers steady breathing slowly grow heavier as he starts to doze off, feeling relieved, having escaped both of the demons that had been fighting over me the entire night. The relief is still bitter, because I know that I'm still not safe from either of them, that I'll have to face them again. But I allow myself a little satisfaction at having made it through the night, lifting my sleeping baby brother up onto the back of my shell.

_'Wait fer us, Leo. We're on our way home.'_

I push myself back onto my tired feet, slowly walking back deep into the sewer tunnels.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10-Goongala

I dropped my charade the second April and I walked into the lair. I couldn't keep pretending like there wasn't a heavy atmosphere hanging over everybody's head. When I first got the news from April this morning, it was easier trying to make like I was still okay, because I was alone, I only had to fool myself. But just seeing their faces, the way they all looked so lost, it reminded me of what it was like right after losing _my_ dad. Now I'm up on the rooftops with Raph, and April's tending to Don, since Leo and Mikey're out for the night. Raph's just sitting a few feet away at the edge of the roof, staring at nothing. I feel like I oughta say something, but I don't have any words that feel right.

_'How does so much crap get crammed inta one day?'_

"Hey, Case..."

I don't answer right away. He's talking so low and quiet, it takes me a minute to figure that he isn't just mumbling to himself.

"Yeah?"

"How do ya... deal with the first night?"

What's he talking about? Does he mean with Leo's stuff?

"I ain't followin' ya..."

He sighs. I've never seen him so exhausted. It's kinda unsettling.

"I mean with your dad. When he-"

"OH. That..."

I get what he means, but I don't feel like I have a better answer for what he's asking.

"Hell, I dunno, man. To be honest wit' ya, I can't even really remember much about how I dealt with the first night. Most of it's a blur... Mostly I remember not feelin' anything, and I remember not sleeping."

He gets quiet, and all I'm able to do is just stand here and wait for him to talk again. Because I can't say anything. Why the hell does my big fat mouth have to clam up on me now? I know why, but I hate the reason, I hate that there has to BE a reason for why I can't think of anything to do or say when my bro is suffering like this. Because even if I could think of something worthwhile that was more than just some dumb advice, it wouldn't be what he needs right now. Only a father can give him what he needs now, and that's what makes a good father. Like Splinter, like my dad. Whatever the issue is, they have the strength to tell you what you need to hear, even if it's not what you want to hear. I crash back into the present, I hear Raph getting to his feet, walking slowly past me towards the lair. I catch his arm, I have something worth saying now. He doesn't look up, he doesn't look back at me, but I can tell he's waiting, listening.

"Raph, whatever else you may be feelin' tomorrow, the first thing you're gonna be lookin' for is someone to blame. I dunno about Mikey, or Donnie, or even Leo, but I know how ya cope, because I work the same way. We find somebody to blame fer crap whenever it happens, we get angry, we take it out on others. Me, it was easier to figure out where the blame fit, I knew that the hell I was feelin' was cuz of the Purple Dragons. It's not gonna be that easy for you. There ain't really a bad guy here. Ya can't pin it on anybody, not even those damn thugs or the Foot."

He doesn't move or speak, I still haven't told him anything he doesn't already know.

"My point is, ya need to be less hardheaded. Otherwise, you'll end up like I did before ya set me straight. Ya gotta let yourself listen to your brothers when they start warnin' you that yer gettin' too heated. You can't wait fer it to get worse than that. Jus'... let yourself rely on them."

I let his arm go, but neither of us move. I hope my words are sinking in, but other than nodding a little, he doesn't give any sign that they are. He just starts leaping over to the next roof, heading back home. I don't follow, not right away. I'm trying not to curse myself out, trying to ignore the feeling that I still fell so far short of what he needed to hear. I hear someone cry out from one of the dark alleys below, I glare down at a familiar scene of a mugging by Purple Dragons. My teeth are grinding together as I drop down. I take out the thug nearest me, the noise drawing the attention of his buddies as I pick up his bat.

"Man, you scum picked the wrong damn night ta piss me off. So, which one of ya dirtbags is next?"

They charge me all at once, and I rush towards them head-on, I'm eager to make them feel my bro's pain.

**"GOONGALA!"**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11-(Ir)Responsibility

I listen. That's all I can do right now. I just lay in the bed that I haven't had in weeks. I'm not asleep, but I'm not awake either. I'm somewhere in between. Just listening, waiting.

"Donnie, please, just go to bed. Check on him tomorrow. It's almost dawn, and none of you have slept. Let me or Casey stay up-"

"I can't just let him be alone in there, April. I'm fine, really. I just want to make sure I got his weapons somewhere safe."

"Don, you've checked four times since you took him up to his room."

"...What?"

"Go to bed, Donnie."

He gives in, finally. She rests her head against the wall, fading in and out. I hear the sound of footsteps entering the lair. I recognize the emotion that emanates from every movement he makes.

"'Ey April. G'wan and get some rest. I can stay up."

The familiarity of everything surrounding me makes me feel the slightest bit more at ease. I lose a battle over a restless wave of something that feels like sleep.

_I'm lost again, trapped inside a mass of nothing, gripped by the unmistakable feeling that something is about to strike. I pull out my katana, assume a defensive stance, and wait. I try to pinpoint where the malice is emanating from, but I can't sense anything. I feel a pain begin to take hold of my hands and arms, my eyes begin to blur from straining to find the enemy. Something warm and fluid falls from my hands, I suddenly become aware of the growing weight of my katana. I look down, and shock sets in, seeing blood dripping from cuts in my hands, as if my weapons are against me. I have to make an effort to keep my blades from falling out of my grip now, the sense of danger rising as they grow heavier, the cuts getting deeper, moving slowly up my arms, the blood dripping freely from my veins. I try to focus on my katana, to ignore the blood and keep my concentration, but the strain from staring too intensely has gotten worse. I try to breathe, to calm myself somehow, but the air won't come easily like it should. I realize it then-my eyes aren't fatigued, I'm being suffocated. I can't see because I'm losing consciousness. My mask, it's getting tighter around my head, covering my whole face, choking me. The edge of my blades are hovering just above the ground, the wounds in my arms are almost up to my elbows, the pool of blood expanding, covering the soles of my feet. I can barely make out something in the far distance, my feet threatening to slide out from under me. My brothers... I can see them, far away, but they're there! I feel a surge of desire, of yearning, to go to them, to let myself welcome the small comfort familiarity that home and family gives. But I resist it, even as the blood rises slowly higher around my feet, I turn and move the other way. I'm the older brother, I can't burden them. After all that's happened, the things I have done, it'd be too selfish to go to them for help. I refuse to let my katana fall from my grasp, even as suffocation begins to force me to the ground, the surface in front of me opening into an engulfing hole._

I suddenly rise up from my familiar bed, listening for a moment before I move silently towards the exit of the lair. I stop inches before the exit, hearing footsteps, and leap back into the shadows. My other human sibling walks in, bruised and cut, tossing a bloodied bat to the floor. The sound echoes throughout the lair, it wakes up my sister. She walks over to him, she's upset, but she keeps her voice to a whisper.

"Where have you been? What happened to your face? Raph came back alone and I-"

"I wasn't far away. Nothin' happened, really. I followed him back, I jus'... had to take a lil detour."

She helps him into another room, where we keep the medical supplies. I drop down from my perch, moving out through the exit. I drop down into the main sewage tunnel that will let me return to the surface quietly, and come face to face with my angriest younger brother.

"You must REALLY be dead in the head to think that I'm gonna let ya just walk outta here again, especially after that stupid stunt ya pulled."

Raphael walks into the dim light, his figure exhausted, yet resolute. I can't let myself speak. If I say anything, the temptation to stay behind could overwhelm me. He keeps pushing, keeps provoking any kind of response out of me.

"Are you awake yet, Leo? Am I talkin' to my real big brother? Or are you that fake who tried to off himself by taking a damn jump offa Lady Liberty?"

Fake? No, I tried to make myself believe that. But that's just another way of being a coward. Trying to do that was just another mistake that only added to the burden that will eventually crush me. I can't let them try to help, or it will crush all of us. I move to rush past him, but he's expecting it, he's had too much time to prepare with a level head. He knocks me back, drawing out on of his sais, his voice rising.

"Where're yer wise words, yer advice ta guide your brothers? WHERE'S MY BIG BROTHER, LEO? HUH?!"

He's letting his impulsive instincts cloud his thinking, he rushes me with his weapon pointed towards me, he's leaving himself open to be passed by. I start to make my move, but something stops me, and I feel a sting in my arm from a needle being stabbed into my vein. Raphael halts in his advance, his exhaustion too great for his anger to sustain itself for very long. I'm feeling drowsy, unnaturally tired, falling back into the arms of Donatello before I enter the paralyzing captivity of dreamless unconsciousness.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12- Pause

"Thanks..."

I don't like unknowns. Unknowns are inefficient. They make calculations difficult and progress nearly impossible. They're dangerous, too.

_'Need to adjust for greater mobility and control.'_

Most of the time, I pursue unknowns, make sense out of them, lessen the potential for danger. If the unknown is based in logic, then I figure it out, make life easier for me and my brothers. But certain unknowns are too abstract, too irrational for me to go after. I hate abstract unknowns.

_'Have to recheck for weight limitations.'_

Tangibles, logical ideas, formulas. Anything unknown in the scientific realm, the world of reason, those I can understand. I even enjoy pursuing those things that I can put numbers to, or that I can see and feel. Sensei taught me about how to deal with the intangibles, of course, taught me that it's necessary to deal with them, but I still prefer my numbers. Like 48 hours, that's how long it's been since that night on Liberty Isle, how long its been since I last slept, how long its been since...

"Don, do you know where Mikey is?"

Mikey usually interrupts me about now. Is he reading his comics again? He's in his room.

"In his room."

Is there some other place that he could possibly be? No, he's only in his room, or bugging me, or teasing Raph, or playing video games. I know those things, even without numbers. Sensei taught me how to deal with intangibles. Sensei's going to stay with me until I come back.

"Do you know where Raph is?"

Raphael doesn't bother me. He's not into numbers. Doesn't like thinking too much about the things I work on. Raph normally makes noise, though, beating on his punching bag. I haven't been listening, but I can't hear it now. Is he on his bike?

"Probably outside."

Outside. Yeah. Raph likes being outside. Makes a lot of noise out there, too. Riding his bike, only quiet when he's working on that bike. The bike... turtle van... shell sled.

_'Shell sled. That's what I need.'_

I can keep track of my brothers without seeing them. They can do the same for me. No need to worry, no need to write a note.

"Where are you going?"

Going? I'm coming back soon. Not really going anywhere. I'll still be nearby. They'll know where I am. Sensei would want me to make sure, though.

"I'm just going to stay someplace else for a bit. Be back in a few days."

Intangibles aren't always bad. I've encountered five in as many minutes and each has been resolved. Sense would approve of that progress.

_'It's secure. Have to move slowly, keep from making sharp turns.'_

I'm ready to go, I have everything I need.

"Did you tell either of them about this?"

Tell them? I didn't forget any part of the checklist. April should know that. I ignore the question, it's an intangible I've already considered. Getting Sensei to my destination with me is the priority now. I'm doing my brothers a favor. I remember one time, Mikey said that he wished life had a pause button, like a remote control. He said he wanted to be allowed to take as much time as he wanted to enjoy things, to make hard choices. And now, these things that have happened to all of us. There are difficult decisions related to all of them, but decisions can't be made. Mikey wants to believe none of it really happened, Raph doesn't seem to want to move on from it, and Leo... I don't know what's happening in his head right now. I need to not be still, to not give numbness a chance to catch me. So I'll keep moving, and this way, my brothers can have their pause and take the time they need. When they're ready, Sensei will still be here, and I can keep on doing my work until then.

_'I didn't tell them. There's no reason to.'_

I can see my destination ahead, and I ease off the throttle. I must have daydreamed on the way, the trip didn't feel as long as it usually does. I slow down gradually, making sure not to disturb Sensei's preservation tank as I pull into Leatherhead's laboratory.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13- Gone

"HE. DID. WHAT?!"

I didn't hear that right. Casey did NOT just tell me that Donnie took Sensei while I was asleep! I run to Master Splinter's room. Don wouldn't take Sensei away! I open the door to his room-Sensei's gone. Okay, so, maybe Donnie does have him, but he wouldn't TAKE Splinter anywhere, away from the rest of us.

"Mikey, listen, jus' try ta calm down an'-"

_'He's in his room. Or his lab. He has to be.'_

I check Don's room. Empty again. His work space is bare, too. What is going on?

"Where's Raph? Raph!"

"Mikey, he goes topside all th' time now. Ya know that."

This is Casey trying to be funny or something, right? It's just a bad joke. Raph's probably in on it, too, everybody except me's a part of it.

"Raph, Don's missing! WHERE ARE YOU?!"

_'Cell! That's it, I'll just call Donnie on his shell cell and he'll pick up and say he's just out to get some kind of boring tech stuff!'_

It's not ringing. He NEVER turns it off. It must be dead. Raph! Raph was here last night, so his is charged. It's ringing! But it's echoing... Like the cell is somewhere in the lair.

_'He left it here... Why would he leave it here?'_

"Leo!"

I charge over to his room. He HAS to be here. I know HE didn't leave... Casey's trying to say something to me. I'm too busy being shaken. Leo's room is empty, too!

"WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!"

"Aw hell. Don't tell me-."

"You've been here! Didn't you see him?"

"No! I been watchin' everythin' fer hours and didn't hear or see nuthin' til you got up!"

This isn't happening. I've just gotta figure out where Don is and he'll find Leo and Raph. Don can find anything.

"What about Donnie? What'd he say to you? Didn't you try to stop him? WHERE DID HE GO?!"

"Look, Mikey, I wasn't here! All's I know is that April told me Don left, an' took Splinter! Me an' her have to take turns watchin' her store. April said she tried talkin' ta Don, but he wouldn't listen. That's all I know!"

He's not joking... He's being serious. It's real, like that first time the four of us went down to Atlantis and everybody just started disappearing. Before Casey can stop me, I run out of the lair, charging into the tunnels toward the closest exit to the surface.

_'They didn't leave. They wouldn't do that. I've just gotta find them.'_

I start running across rooftops, checking all the dark corners and alleys I pass. Raph will be somewhere in one of them, beating down on some kind of gang. I make my way over to where the Professor lives with his other homeless friends, expecting to see Don talking to him about some kind of cosmic equation, or proving Einstein wrong or something. But he's not there. And I don't see any sign of Raph.

_'Raph must be on his bike. If I listen for it, I can find him, and then I'll know where the others are and...'_

I don't even know where I'm headed anymore. I'm just moving for the sake of it. I've always been the fastest of the four of us, but until now, I haven't felt like doing much with it. I feel like running now, though, because I'm frightened... I don't know if I'm still running or not, but I realize it now. They really DID leave. They're not waiting somewhere for me to find them, they're all gone. They all left the lair by choice.

_'Sensei, Leo, Donnie, Raph... gone.'_

I don't remember being out in the city all night. I don't remember how I got to April's apartment or why. I'm just there, and I'm by myself on the sofa, trying not to fall asleep.


End file.
